Rachel Berry's guys
by flyin'rabbit
Summary: Blaine asks, Kurt tells, and it is mutually decided that Jesse St James has nice hair.


**A/N**: Random idea that popped up in my head while listening to Mr Schue's mash-up in 1x10 ('Ballad'). Well - the beginning, at least. I'm not entirely sure where the middle and the end come from, but it just turned out that way. This takes place... probably in between 'Sexy' and 'Original Song', and we're just going to pretend that Kurt and Blaine are best buddies (kind of like in the last ep) even though I find that a little unbelievable. Oh well. Hopefully you'll enjoy it, and don't forget to leave a review at the end! :)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Glee_ or any of the characters.

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"Do we really have to talk about this?" Judging from the face Kurt was pulling, you'd think Blaine had suggested talking about sex… again. But he hadn't.

"I'm just curious," Blaine said with a shrug. "It's no big deal, right? I just want to know if she's always this straightforward when it comes to boys."

"Yes," Kurt replied shortly. "Yes, she is."

Blaine kept on staring at him curiously, hoping he'd finally give in – but it was no use. Kurt ignored him in favour of his latte, so Blaine would have to say something else. "Maybe I could learn a thing or two from her then."

Kurt looked unimpressed. "I could be wrong – I don't know much about Rachel before Glee – but I don't believe she ever serenaded a guy in the middle of the mall with a song about sex toys and whatnot."

It had only been a matter of time before he brought this back up, Blaine thought, inwardly rolling his eyes. He had hoped that everyone would've forgotten about that by now. "Just tell me, Kurt. Are you really turning down an opportunity to poke fun at Rachel?"

"Well, if you put it like that…" Blaine had to bite back a victorious grin as Kurt conceded defeat. "Well, at first, she liked Finn… who was still with Quinn back then. Still, she could be very controlling of what Finn did at times. And when he broke up with Quinn, I think Rachel automatically assumed that _they _were now in a relationship and she made them calendars decorated with cat… stuff to remind him of when they were spending time together."

"I think she thought we were in a relationship as well," Blaine said pensively. "I don't recall mentioning anything about that, but…"

"Yeah, she did. She said so."

"Well, she never told me."

Kurt rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath before continuing. "But before Finn… well, I think she did like him but couldn't have him… she dated Puck for a short time. I think she basically told him to grow a pair and perform a solo to prove he was a good male lead, or she wouldn't make out with him or whatever. I don't really know. But he did sing a solo and they were together for a short time."

"Rachel and Puck?" Blaine didn't really see that happen. "_Why_?"

"They're both Jewish, and neither of them was getting anywhere with the person they really liked," Kurt offered as an explanation. "Besides, Rachel made out with Puck _again_ when she found out that Finn had been lying to her for quite some time… thus she became Finn's second girlfriend to cheat on him with Puck."

"That's really too much drama," Blaine replied a little disbelievingly. "What else?"

Kurt seemed to be on a roll now. "Then – also before she first got together with Finn – she got a crush on Mr Schuester."

"You mean your – their – director?"

Kurt nodded gravely. "The one and only."

"I'm starting to wonder how I fit in there," Blaine thought out loud, and Kurt frowned.

"Easy. Rachel wants a strong male lead, who's confident and who can 'keep up with her vocally'. Apparently, she thinks those are important and attractive traits. Anyway, I don't even know why she was suddenly so attracted to Mr Schue. I mean, he's twice as old as we are and his rapping is seriously disturbing. But I heard she sent him cards and cookies and she even went to clean his house. She was very insistent that he returned her feelings, even though he was married at the time, and in love with the guidance counsellor."

"That sounds _so_ messed up," Blaine muttered, shaking his head. His own public school had never been that dramatic. Or maybe he just hadn't had the time (or the courage?) to go looking for it.

"Luckily she got over it pretty quickly." Kurt shrugged again.

"And then she… pestered Finn into going out with her?"

"Yeah, but he was still too hung up on Quinn. And I _think_ it was Coach Sylvester… she made Santana _and_ Brittany – at the same time – seduce him or whatever. So he broke up with Rachel and went out with them."

"I bet Rachel just loved that."

"Oh, she certainly did. She found another victim soon after that, though." After a short silence, Kurt added, "I think I haven't seen her happier about getting rejected than when you did it, actually." He narrowed his eyes at Blaine, who just grinned.

"It must be my natural charm," he told Kurt quasi-conspiringly, and the other boy shook his head (though smiling a little).

"I bet it is."

"So who was the next victim?" Blaine asked, still curious. "Someone at McKinley? Do I know him?"

"McKinley, no. But maybe you do know him…"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Jesse St James?"

Blaine did a double take. "The former lead vocalist of Vocal Adrenaline?"

"That's him. So I take it you've heard of him?"

"The Warblers were destroyed by them last year at Sectionals, so yeah, I do sort of know about him." When Kurt didn't immediately reply, he added, "He does fit the description you just gave me, indeed. I don't even know why I'm surprised."

"Because he's two years older than us and it's virtually unexplainable how they even met?"

"You have a point. What's the story behind that?"

"His coach turned out to be Rachel's mum, so she had him infiltrate New Directions to get in touch with Rachel." Kurt didn't look particularly fond of that memory – that wasn't exactly hard to see. "Long story short, he humiliated her about a week before Regionals, and told us only then that he was back in Vocal Adrenaline."

"Wow," Blaine muttered, suddenly realising that he hadn't touched his coffee yet. "That's just… harsh."

"In the beginning of their relationship, we sort of threatened to throw her out of the group if she didn't break up with him – you know, before he transferred. She wouldn't have any of it. When he was there, he pretty much got all the male leads." Kurt on the other hand, Blaine noticed, had finished _his_ drink. "You know, it's a long story. I'll tell you some other time."

"That's fine," Blaine replied. "So… wow. Rachel has quite the history. I must admit, I didn't expect that."

"There's still a lot you have to learn," Kurt told him with a small smile. "Everyone in New Directions has histories like that."

Blaine chuckled lightly. "I don't believe the Warblers are that exciting, sadly."

Shaking his head, Kurt commented, "I can't even believe that _Wes_ has a _girlfriend_, so you might be right there."

"Oh, give him some credit. He's not that bad." Blaine had trouble keeping a straight face, especially when Kurt shot him an incredibly disbelieving look. "Outside of Warbler practice. I think."

"Maybe," Kurt admitted. "It's still a miracle to me why you wanted to know about Rachel's history with guys, though. You're not jealous, right?"

"I'm _gay_, Kurt. Of course I'm not jealous."

Kurt let out a disbelieving noise. "Honestly?" When Blaine nodded, he added, "If I'm completely honest – and I'm going to deny having said this if you _ever_ bring this up again – apart from Mr Schue, I can see where she comes from."

"You mean you _are_ jealous?"

"Of Rachel? Maybe a little bit. Of the guys? Not so much."

"Finn? He's your stepbrother…"

"How do you think our parents met?"

"…"

"Uh – I'll tell you some other time. Or not. Preferably not."

"Puck?"

A shrug. "You have to admit he's not all that bad looking. The bullying would be sort of a turn-off though. It was for Mercedes, you know. But he has his moments."

"I'm not even going to ask. Jesse St James?"

"Honestly, Blaine? Do you even have to ask? Have you _seen_ that boy? Sure, his arrogance isn't a very nice trait, but he has nice hair and – "

"That's sort of shallow, Kurt."

"I know. It's not like I've ever even crushed on him or anything, but I can appreciate good looks when I see them, right?"

"You're right. And he _does_ have nice hair." Blaine didn't miss the glance Kurt shot his head. He almost didn't dare ask the next question. "Me?" It almost came out as a whisper.

"I think you already know the answer to that, Blaine."

"…" That was true; he did. Well, he could make a very educated guess, at the very least.

"I really can't believe that we're discussing _Rachel Berry's love life_. Is that the level our conversations have sunk to?"

"Isn't that a very girlish thing to do?"

"Possibly also a very gay thing to do. And I'm an honorary girl anyway."

"Do I want to know?"

"No, you don't."

"You're probably right though. I doubt any other guy I know would willingly and comfortably discuss _anyone's _love life, really, even their own, like this."

"Don't guys usually brag about girls?"

"Yes, they do. But they don't analyse it like we just did."

"You've got a good point there."

"So. Are we done talking about this?"

"You're the one who brought it up! But yeah, I guess we're about done. And… I should really get going if I want to get home in time for dinner."

The boys got up from their table and cleared it up, throwing their coffee cups (Blaine's still mostly full; he didn't feel like drinking cold coffee) in the trashcan as they walked out.

"Let's hope Rachel never finds out about this. She _already_ thinks the world revolves around her. This would only make it worse." Blaine nodded; that was probably for the best.

After they'd said their goodbyes, Blaine sat in his car for a minute. Maybe he should grow his hair somewhat longer to make it look like that of Jesse St James, if only to see how Kurt would react. A slight smirk now present on his face, he turned the key in the ignition and drove back to Dalton. That sounded like a plan.

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**A/N**: Yeah... as said, I have no idea where that came from. What do you think of this? Did you like it, hate it, something else? Let me know, please review!


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